Celebrities — most viewed jokes

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'"

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!

"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend.

"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
→ Everyone has the same DNA.

You might be a child of the 80's if...

• you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.
• the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
• you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
• not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
• you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
• you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.
• the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
• songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
• three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
• you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
• you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
• you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
• you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
• a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
• you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
• you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
• while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
• you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
• one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"
• you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
• you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
• you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
• you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
• you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
• you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."
• you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
• you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
• flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
• the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
• you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
• at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
• "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
• the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
• there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
• you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
• you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
• you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
• the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
• you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
• honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
• you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
• (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
• (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
• you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
• you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.
• you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"
• you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
• you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
• you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
• your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
• this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

• you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
• you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
• you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
• you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
• you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
• going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
• you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.
• you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.
• you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.
• you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
• you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
• (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
• you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
• you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
• when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
• you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
• you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
• you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
• you know who shot J.R.
• this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs?
→ "Depends."

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?