Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.

I'm betting the baby will be late.

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads "I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."

Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...

What's the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...

"The hand writing was Hillary's"

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

• Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
• Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
• Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
• Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
• Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
• Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
• Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
• What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
• Tired of going to Disneyland.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
11. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
12. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
13. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
14. One word: polkas.
15. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
16. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
17. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
18. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
19. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"