Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
→ A dependent Claus.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
→ Her lipstick.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."