Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since: Knowledge = Power
And: Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."

- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?

- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
• In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo

• "COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control.
• "CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• "APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo

• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" - I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" - I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" - I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M PERSONABLE" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" - I carry a Day-Timer.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE" - I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO" - I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Microsoft Barbie ...

Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
→ Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
→ Depreciation.

How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
→ He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.