Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

Sign seen in a bar:"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then?

- She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her.

"Hi, Joe", she said. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

Joe was puzzled. "Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?"

"Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman."

Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said, "Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in."

"Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part."

Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful."

"Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst part."

"I don't believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?"

"The final operation was the worst.

That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!"

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said: 'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'
'Why?' asked the man.
'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"

The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"