Random joke from this category
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy...
Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p [ATP]!"
A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender replies "I'm sorry, We don't serve strings"
The string, angry, runs to the bathroom and ties himself up into knots until his ends are frayed.
Then he walks back out and asks the bartender for a drink.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just talked to?" The bartender asks.
"Nope," Says the string, "I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.
- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!
- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?
- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!
- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?
- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...
BAD DOG!
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!
What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
"What's brown and sticky? A stick.
A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?
"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.
Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!
Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...
"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
