Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- One penny?!

The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.

- How much money?

- Four cents.

- Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?

- Upstairs with my wife.

- What's he doing with your wife?

- Same as what I'm doing to his business.

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

- Six shots? What's wrong? asks the bartender.

- I found out my older brother is gay.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now?

- I found out my younger brother is gay.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife does.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...

"I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!"

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"

- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"

- Other customer: Timex!

- First guy: Why Timex?

- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

- First guy: What's the name of your penis?

- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!

- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?

- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

- My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough.

- Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month, nothing!