Random joke from this category
A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk...
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.
"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.
A Duck walks into a bar.
- Duck: You got any bread?
- Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
- Duck: You got any bread?
- Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
- Duck: You got any bread?
- Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
- Duck: Got any bread?
- Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar..................
- Duck: You got any nails?
- Barman: NO!
- Duck: You got any bread?
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
DOUBLE VODKA A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
First man, "Want to come camping?"
A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one evening and said to the bartender, "Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there."
About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there."
The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!"
