Random joke from this category
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
- Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
- Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
- Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
- Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
- Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
- Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
- Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
- Bartender: "What's a 15?"
- Blonde: "7 and 7"
A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark".
- Why, are you an attorney?
- No, I'm an asshole.
What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
