At Work — most viewed jokes

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!"

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
→ The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did you get the six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims Jeff. "You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!" "Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no.. I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you are!'"

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working. The one says to the other, "Hey, how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says, "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"

The supervisor says, "Intelligence."

Guido says, "What is this intelligence?"

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says, "Hita my hand as hard as you can!"

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisor's hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says, "That's intelligence."

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says, "Hey what did he say?"

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says, "Hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."