At Work — most viewed jokes

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...

all on different limbs,... at different levels,...

some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

"Yes."

• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
• You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
• When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
• You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
• You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ "I don't know, but I can look it up for you."

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"

The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."

"How about the second one?"

"The second parrot costs $5,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."

"Then what is the price for the third one?" the buyer is wondering.

"This one costs $20,000."

"Really?!" wonders the excited buyer. "What does he know?"

"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictate a letter... "And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.