At Work — most viewed jokes

Help Wanted: Telepath.

You know where to apply.

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow.'"

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

- Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more.

- Why not?

- He lost his balance.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off." "Great!," responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."

"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.

"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous.--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.--I'm a rabid typist.--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

- Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.

- Johnson: Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!

- Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!

- Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!