Random joke from this category
Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker.
"Hey," cried the foreman, "what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?"
"Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend," explained Braxton, "but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him."
"How come you got the cotton in your ears?"
"Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!"
Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
→ Tell them a joke on Friday night!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is usually right.
Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.
Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.
A fool and his money will soon be partying.
Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'
Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."
Death to all fanatics!!
Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...
Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet engines
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
→ FIRETRUCK.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.
As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.
The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.
Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....
Sven rang the doorbell.
A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is 'GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!'
