At Work — most viewed jokes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-)

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...)

I D 1 0 T

- Me: What is that noise?

- Customer: Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!

- Me: What was that?

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

- Customer: It's from a device.

- Me: What kind of device?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Me: Like a fax machine or something?

- Customer: I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something.

You know you're too stressed if...

• You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
• The Sun is too loud.
• Trees begin to chase you.
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
• You can hear mimes.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• Things become "Very Clear."
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
• You and Reality file for divorce.
• You can skip without a rope.
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You can travel without moving.
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE --- REPLACEMENT PHRASE

• NO FUCKING WAY --- I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
• YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING --- Really?
• TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK --- Have you run that by.......
• NO BASTARD TOLD ME --- I wasn't involved in that.
• I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME --- Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
• WHO FUCKING CARES --- Are you sure that's a problem?
• EAT SHIT & DIE --- You don't say.
• EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER --- You don't say, sir.
• KISS MY ASS --- So, you'd like me to help you.
• HE'S A FUCKING PRICK --- He's somewhat insensitive.
• SHE'S A BALL BREAKING BITCH --- She's an agressive go getter.
• YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE --- You could use some more training.
• THIS PLACE IS FUCKED --- We're a little disorganised today.
• WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU? --- You're new here, aren't you?
• FUCK OFF SHITHEAD --- Well, there you go.
• YOU'RE A FUCKING WANKER --- You're a senior member: I respect you.
• HA! SUCK EGGS --- I wasn't there that night.
• YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID --- So, you're from Brisbane.
• YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS --- So, you're from Melbourne.
• FUCK OFF --- I'll look into it and get back to you.
• FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD --- We've got enough members thanks.
• HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? --- Well done!
• YOU FUCKING LOSER --- Gee, that was unfortunate.
• LIKE FUCKING HELL --- I don't believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

- I hate filing, said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them.

- I used to have that problem too, but no more, her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!

During the month of June and July. Here in the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In Fact people were even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working outside in the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss asked me where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down.
He said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my mind.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"

"No", says the secretary.

"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.