At Work — most viewed jokes

- Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me. Do you tell lies?

- Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

- Customer: I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.

- Tech Support: Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?

- Customer: Of course I am. That's why I bought it.

- Tech Support: Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?

- Customer: Don't get rude with me, of course I do.

- Tech Support: Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.

- Customer: I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

- Customer: Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.
"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

Did you know that the three wise men were firemen?
→ It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

- If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

- I'd have to say the living one.