Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?
→ The Oyster Bunny!

What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
→ A cattle battle!

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"

The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily."

The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet.

- How did things go while I was gone?

- Pretty good.

- Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?

- Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine.

- Did you have any trouble?

- Well, there was just one little problem.

- What was that?

- I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!

What subject are snakes good at school?
→ Hiss-tory!

What is the best way to hunt bear?
→ With your clothes off.

Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

What do you call two birds in love?
→ Tweethearts!

Why is an egg like a young horse?
→ Because it can't be used until it's broken!