Random joke from this category
How do you catch an elephant?
→ First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!
Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says "He did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldozer
A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?
→ One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
What is uglier than an aardvark?
→ Two aardvarks!
Why was the centipede late?
→ Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
→ A walkie talkie!
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
→ A centipede with chilblains!
What has 50 legs but cant walk?
→ Half a centipede!
What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
→ A sentrypede!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
→ Enough drumsticks to feed an army!
What did one centipede say to the other centipede?
→ You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs ....!
Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
→ He took too long to put his boots on!
What is worse than an alligator with toothache?
→ A centipede with athlete's foot!
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
→ A centipede with a wooden leg!
