The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
You know you drink too much coffee when...
My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, "oh well what the hey"
Now I'd have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse
It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL
Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail
Then I remembered the Good Guy's Store
And all those computers by the door
I'd go there and when alone
With no one looking I'd sign-on
I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound
Then I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye"
And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix
I ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...
I... stood....and...waited
The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real frustrated
That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking scream
When I woke I was handcuffed being booked
I think I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink
Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.
It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.
What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daddy! can I go to Miami!"
What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ There are some things even a blonde won't do.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.
Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.
What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
→ You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Why do blondes have square breasts?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
→ You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Why can't blondes count to 70?
→ Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.
What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
→ "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
→ The noise gave her a headache.
What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747.
What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, guys!"
A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, "I am sorry but we can't serve strings here."
The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, "Waiter, give me a beer." The waiter says, "Hey aren't you the string who came in here earlier."
The string replies, "No, I'm a fraid knot."
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
- Hey, what's that?
- A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.
- Can I try?
The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
- Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!
- Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
Yo mamas so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.
A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
