Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
"Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside????
→ K9P.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
→ They both capture that magic moment.
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, "You don't scare me I am married to your sister!"
Here's a sad one...
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?
I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.
I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?
So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes... Baak!
Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?!) LOL And... LOL...the chicken goes ...
LOL...
Moo!
LOL (why would a chicken say moo!?!) ....
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
