Most viewed jokes

Why was six scared of seven?
→ Because seven ate nine.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

- Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

- You told me to surprise you.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you idiot.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says:

- For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
→ Keeps everyone away.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark?
→ A hardvark!

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh
The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh
The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh
His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

- Well - thought the man.

- might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.

- Screw me now or climb the ladder to success - she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

- Who are you? - the man asked.

- Hello - said the ugly fat man said.

- my name's Cess!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?