Most viewed jokes

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?
→ With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her:

- Do you have grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies:

- Well, we have three acres.

- No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? - asks the attorney.

- No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00 - she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks:

- Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states:

- No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks:

- Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?

- Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.

How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.

How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:

- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

- Hell - said Herman.

- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man:

- That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled:

- Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks:

- What's up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains:

- Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains:

- Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks:

- What's the story with that clock?

- Oh, that - St. Peter replies.

- That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
→ All you can eat, under a buck.

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:

- Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane

Every year Martha would say:

- Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs

So Stumpy says:

- By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go.

Martha replies:

- Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So the pilot overhears them and says:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars.

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says:

- By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!

And Stumpy replies:

- Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out... but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!