Most viewed jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze poison.

The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says:

- Vive la France!

and drinks it down.

The Englishman says:

- A pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says:

- God save the queen!

and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- Gimme a fork.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams:

- What are you doing???

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says:

- So much for your canoe, asshole!

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?
→ 9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."
11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"
13. Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
21. Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22. Throw people's things into the pool.
23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

- I just got this amazing watch - he tells her. It can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking.

- What does it say about me? - asked the blonde.

- It says you want to sleep with me.

- Sorry - said the blonde - I think your watch is broken.

- Hmmm - said the man slowly examining the watch. It seems to be running an hour fast...

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate:

- Dear - she chirped - I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared:

- Who is the king of the jungle?

- Oh, you are, Master - and the deer replied.

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared:

- Who is the king of the jungle?

- Oh, you are, Master - and the zebra replied.

The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant:

- Who is the king of the jungle? - he roared.

With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said:

- Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.

Where does an elephant carry its laptop?
→ In its trunk.

You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!

As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:

- I think I'll go up and get a coke.

- No problem - said the Israeli.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said:

- That looks good. I think I'll have one too.

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

- How long must this go on? - he asked.

- This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?