Most viewed jokes

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

- Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup!

- No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one!

- Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup!

- Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean!

- Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!

- I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said:

- I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

- And how did you like your holiday? - he asked eagerly.

- The flight was exciting and the room was lovely - she said.

- I've come to thank you.

- But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
→ He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked:

- Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.

The civil engineer interrupted and said:

- But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently:

- Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said:

- But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.

- It is physically impossible! - she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said:

- Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said:

- What if Jonah went to hell?

"Only in America"...

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

- are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink

- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke

- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters

- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".