Most viewed jokes

How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
→ With scare spray.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
→ Root position cords.

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?
→ Monica swallowed him!

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello... Mom?"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:

- Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?

So the first man replies:

- Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

- That sounds like a pretty bad day to me - said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

- It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

- Picture this - says the third man.

- I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said:

- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said:

- Why? Don't ye believe me?!

Where did the Gorilla play baseball?
→ In the bush leagues, of course!

What do you do if your computer hums?
→ Tell it to change its socsks!

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
→ Shut the door, I'm dressing!