Most viewed jokes

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies:

- They're making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer:

- They're making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother:

- Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies:

- How do you know?

The girl says:

- I licked the icing off the sofa!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

What's the biggest pencil in the World?
→ Pennsylvania!

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells:

- Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers:

- Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:

- Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?

Clinton says:

- Give me the bad news first.

The officer says:

- Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine.

Clinton says:

- I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!... Well, what's the REALLY bad news?

The officer replies:

- Well, it's Hillary's handwriting.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

- The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

- Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are always late to meetings.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

- You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have never backed up your hard drive.

- You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// stands for.

- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You window shop at Radio Shack.

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- Your checkbook always balances.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

- Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced.

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
→ She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright!

- Owl be seeing you later.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.

- Have you tried counting sheep?

- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.