Most viewed jokes

Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
→ To cloud 9

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

- There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared - the weather report said.

- You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.

Ole said:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was:

- There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.

Again Ole replied:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said:

- There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...

and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena:

- Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?

Lena replied:

- Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says:

- I'm Jesus Christ.

The first priest says:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

The drunk says:

- Look, I can prove it. - and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims:

- Jesus Christ, you're here again?

Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?
→ He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said:

- Watson, look up. What do you see?

- Well, I see thousands of stars.

- And what does that mean to you?

- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around?

The man answered:

- HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring:

- Well, it looks plastic.

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding:

- But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked:

- What do you have there?

The drunk replied:

- I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded:

- Let me take a look.

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.

- Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied:

- Out of my nose!

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Bed hard!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Food bad!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- I quit!

The head monk shook his head and said:

- I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks:

- Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied:

- Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked:

- Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?