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DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
• You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
• You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
• Named Tiffany ... -4
• Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
• Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner ... 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
• Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

• You forget her birthday completely ... -20
• You forget your anniversary ... -30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

• You take her to a movie ... 2
• You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
• You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
• You take her to a movie you like ... -2
• It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
• Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
• And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

• You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
• Something she can't use ... -10
• Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
• And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

• You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
• You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
• You stop and ask for directions ... 25
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
• You know them ... -60

The Big Question

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
  (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding ... -10
• You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks:

- Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern:

- Of course not!

The drunk man replies.......

- Oh, then it must be your feet.

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars.

- But, there is a possibility! - he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said:

- You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary.

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like.

After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

- Who is it!? - shrieked the myna bird.

- It's the butcher! - said the man.

- Who is it!? - repeated the bird.

- Lady, it's the butcher! ... Who is it!?

- Lady, it's the butcher!

- Who is it!? (now exasperated beyond limit)

- Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!

- Who is it!?

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door.

The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says:

- Oh my god! Who is it?!

...and the myna bird promptly says:

- It's the butcher!!!

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:

- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.

His buddy said:

- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:

- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?

- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

What did one tornado say to the other?
→ "Let's twist again, like we did last summer...."

What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up?
→ Fog