Most viewed jokes

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said. "No," young woman replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close enough!" said the trucker.

What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree?
→ Hang onto your bark, this will be no ordinary spark

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of yours is a palomino!

How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?
→ Put velcro on the ceiling.

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?
→ 100 people that don't do dick!!

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford. They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, "I get the bed." Then another guy says, "I get the bathroom." Then the last guy says, "I guess I get the closet."

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said:

- It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!

Enlightenment Quiz

1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........ A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see....... A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about
5. Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6. The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is: A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7. Which of the following is not a name of the Lord? A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8. If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9. Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana
10. Om Mani Padme Om means: A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry
11. The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming
12. Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13. The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York
14. You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand
15. If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
16. If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17. If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?

True-False

- Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.

- Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.

- Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.

- The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.

Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness

[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Huh? The light's out?