Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."
The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan."
And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day.
Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shook on it.
Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.
Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday."
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.
What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th.
What year?
→ Every year.
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
→ Did you actually pass the bar exam?
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?
She had three children, right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ None.
Were there any girls?
How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
→ Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing
Dear Ann,
I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!
When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.
This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.
Linda K. R. in California
