Most viewed jokes

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn?

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

OCR - Optical Character RecognitionA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.
→ Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

How do you hire a teddy bear?
→ Put him on stilts!

What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
→ A polo bear!

Why do polo bears like bald men?
→ Because they have a great, white, bear place!

What do polo bears have for lunch?
→ Ice burger!

What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
→ Tagliateddy!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
→ They both have 'the' as their middle names!

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
→ It lives on ice!

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
→ Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

What is a bear's favorite drink?
→ Koka-Koala!

Why was the little bear so spoiled?
→ Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stops at the 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.