Most viewed jokes

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder.

- Woman: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you.

- Guy: An alligator?

- Woman: Close enough

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:

- Come and bury my wife.

- But I buried your wife ten years ago - replied the undertaker.

- I got married again - the man sobbed.

- Oh - said the undertaker.

- Congratulations.

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said:

- This one will go a little over a 100

Astonished the Yankee said:

- Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way

The farmer laughed and called to his young son:

- Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said:

- This here pig weighs about 100 pounds

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said:

- Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget?
→ When they are slow dancing and he tells her how nice her hair smells.

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said:

- Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?

The driver said:

- Sure.

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked:

- Do you want a screwdriver?

He said:

- Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says:

- Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says:

- NONE!

The teacher replies:

- None, how do you figure that?

The little boy says:

- If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.

The teacher replies:

- Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says:

- Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies:

- Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies:

- Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!