Most viewed jokes

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

- Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

- Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

- Your legs are skinnier than mine.

- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

- You have a hairy back.

- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

- You still live with your parents.

- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said:

- Why did you put up such a fight?

To which the man promptly replied:

- I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     → Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
222. Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself:

- oh well ! and turned around and drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly:

- Awww, look at the dead birdie

The blonde stops, looks up, and says:

- Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says:

- Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!

Or:

- Good thing that cows don't fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop: Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway:

- Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?

- Driver's licence? What's that?...

- It's a little card with your picture on it.

- Oh, duh! Here it is...

- May I have your car insurance?

- What's that?...

- It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

- Oh this? Duh! Here you go...

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:

- Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
     Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
     Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
     Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
     Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said:

- Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.

The doctor checks her out and says:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.

Why do frogs have webbed feet?
→ To stamp out forest fires!

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says:

- OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says:

- Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth.

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:

- cough drops and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:

- What are you doing here, m'am?

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:

- Well, I can suck em can't I?

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.

The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says:

- Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?