Most viewed jokes

How do you get Visual Aids?
→ From a nasty poke in the eye.

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked.

Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.

- Get this guy, Chaim - laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal:

- He's trying to teach us how to do business!

- John: I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.

- Peter: You will look silly riding a cow.

- John: I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully:

- My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house.

The second man steps up to tee and says:

- Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car.

The third man steps up and says:

- My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says:

- Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD” printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for “What Would Jesus Do”, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied:

- Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

- Rabbi: Oh, come on.

- Bernie: YES!

- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.

- Bernie: Its true!..

- Rabbi: Ok, then show me what the dog can do.

- OK - says Bernie nodding to the dog...

The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie:

- Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says:

- YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!

What was the First Commandment?
→ "Adam, eat my pussy."

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?
→ Her knickers fit her like a glove!

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning:

- I want a man, I want a man.

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans:

- I want a bike, I want a bike.

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".