Most viewed jokes

Why do Black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts..

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy says, "No." "A bald eagle just flew over head." "Oh." A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No." "There was a black bear walking on that hill over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the second guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy, getting aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!" The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph:

- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!

Ralph looked out the window and said:

- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!

Mary cried:

- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him:

- Do you always run in the nude?

Ralph answered, while gasping for air:

- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.

The other runner then asked the nude man:

- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?

Ralph answered breathlessly:

- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

The runner then asked:

- Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Ralph answered:

- Only if it's raining.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

- Olympic condoms? - she blurts - What makes them so special?

- There are three colors - he explains - gold, silver and bronze.

- So what color are you gonna wear tonight? - she asks with a grin.

- Gold of course - says the proud man.

The wife responds:

- Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!

- I was in a very generous mood today, - a woman says to her friend.

- I gave a poor beggar $25.

- Thats a lot of money to give away, - says her friend:

- What did your husband say?

- He said, 'Thank you'.

What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visual first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)

Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also stretched wide open.

Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?
→ She heard he was (use visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

What do Scottish toads play?
→ Hop-scotch!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?
→ Froglights!