Most viewed jokes

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was:

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period?

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie - but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

Why do women fake orgasms?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

- Out drinking again!? - she says.

- How much money did you spend this time?

- $100 - answers the man.

- $100! - she shouts.

- That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!

- Easy for you to say - he replies.

- You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy.

yo mamma so fat she make a whale look bulimic

Do hamburgers make good vampires?
→ No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.

The first woman said:

- My husband can get his whole hand up me.

The second lady said:

- My husband can get his whole head up me.

The third lady slid down the bar stool.

What happened to the Pope when he visited Mount Olive?
→ Popeye almost killed him.

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

- Tell me, - inquired the interviewer, - where do you expect to be ten years from now?

- Well, let's see, - replied the student.

- It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now.

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

- Goddammit! - he said.

The nun said:

- Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us.

- I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again.

The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.

The nun exclaims:

- Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!

The man asks:

- Hey, what did you tell me about that?

- Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree.