Most viewed jokes

Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do:

- Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

The blonde said:

- How about 50 dollars?

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband:

- Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

The man replied:

- She should, she was standing on it.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

- You're finished already? - he asked.

- Yes - the blonde answered - and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

- And by the way - the blonde added - it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and shouts:

- Can't you see I'm winning!

- Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- So, since when did you have this problem?

- What problem?

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news:

- You only have six months to live.

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says:

- There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist.

The doctor asks:

- You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?

The man says:

- Better one of them should die than one of us!

A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said..:

- You got anything to stop this coffin?

- What's an orgasm, mom?

- I don't know, dear...ask your father.

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

You know you're a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug,
I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!