- Patient: I'm really depressed.
- Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
- Patient: Nothing is going well.
- Therapist: Nothing well.
- Patient: I feel like killing myself.
- Therapist: You're thinking of killing yourself.
- Patient: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
- Therapist: You want to do it now.
- Patient: [Jumps out window.]
- Therapist: Woosh. Splat.
- Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
- Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Candice
- Candice who?
- Candice get any better!
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Bronte
- Bronte who?
- Bronte of the blow!
What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
→ I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website....
→ Hyp, Hyp Hooray.
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
→ Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
What do you call a big irish spider?
→ Paddy long legs!
What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
→ I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!
Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.
The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked:
- Have your eyes ever been checked?
- No, - said the worker.
- They've always been brown.
