An actor went to see a new agent one day and said:
- You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative.
So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.
- So you do bird impressions - said the agent:
- what else can you do?
Why do mice need oiling?
→ Because they squeak!
- First monster: I have a hunch.
- Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
→ Sir.
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
→ Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
How can you make money fast?
→ Glue it to the floor.
This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.
The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.
The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly:
- Good morning, Little Johnny.
- Good morning, Father - replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
- Father Scott, what is this? - Little Johnny asked.
- Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked:
- Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
