Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said:
- I took my girlfriend to see 'The bride of Dracula' last night.
- Oh yeah - said the other.
- what was she like?
- Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.
The other said:
- Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like?
She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds:
- I vould like some blood.
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds:
- I vould like some blood.
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds:
- I vould like some plasma.
The waitress looks up and says:
- Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
→ She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie:
- Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?
- Well - says Sophie - when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.
- What if he has an erection? - asks one of the women.
- Honey - says Sophie - on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!
A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.
"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.
The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
- So did you follow him?
- I did.
- And...where did he go?
- Over to your house!
- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
- Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later!
A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.
- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?
- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.
- Where does a kitten go when it dies?
- God takes the kitten to heaven.
The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:
- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
- Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
- Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
- Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
- All the mile markers are missing this year.
- Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
- Too many rocks in the mountains.
