Most viewed jokes

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

- Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks:

- Wow, I can't believe that worked! - and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

- There... now you're f**ked!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

- Thank you - he said.

- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...

- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!

Two men were having a drink together.
One said:

- I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife.

- Why's that? - asked the other.

- Because she's always trying to bite my head off - he replied.

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
→ Both do hat tricks!

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
→ They trod on his corn.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a python.

- Oh you can't get round me like that, you know.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks:

- So how high can you advance in your organization?

The Priest says:

- If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.

- Well, could you get any higher than that? - asks the Rabbi.

- I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop - said the Priest a bit cautiously.

- Is there any way that you might go higher than that?

- If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal

- Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? - probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said:

- I supose that I could be elected Pope, but...

So the Rabbi says:

- And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?

- What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!

The Rabbi leaned back and said:

- One of our boys made it.

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said:

- How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?

- No, ma'am - explained the officer.

- it's your foot.