Most viewed jokes

- Doctor: Good news, you passed your hearing test!

- Patient: HUH

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling:

- Well, how was it?

The woman says:

- You can have any prize

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

Why do parrots carry umbrellas?
→ So they don't become polly-saturated!

- My new baby is the image of his father.

- Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.

A small twin-prop commuter plane was hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who vowed to kill one of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they shouldn't be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the hijacker in tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist who said:

- let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important discipline...

but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who exclaimed:

- Shoot me! Shoot me!

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked:

- Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?

- Sure, it's easy. - replied the neurosurgeon.

- All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him:

- I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.

The patient replied:

- Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
→ Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.

Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear:

- Three million dollars.

- Why so much more than the others? - the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied:

- If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer.