Most viewed jokes

Dear Friend, It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...

Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...

Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...

Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...

Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...

Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...

How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...

What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...

How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying:

- Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

- Please don't let me be late to church....

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

- Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad:

- What are these Pop?

- They're smart pills son - said his father.

- Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said:

- Yuck...these taste like poop!

- See - said his father.

- you're already getting smarter!

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said:

- Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked:

- By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary who was quite witty said:

- Why no Mr. Smith.

- All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied:

- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
→ It lives on ice!

- Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time.

- Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?

- Customer: No, you have to look at it.

Can you spell soft and slow with two letters?
→ EZ.

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says:

- Have you got anything to declare?

He thinks a second and he says:

- It's a nice-a day!