Most viewed jokes

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

What's the best way to travel to the moon?
→ Transform yourself into a ball and get David Beckham to take a penalty!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
→ because he was a "chicken".

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

When I was growing up I used to lick all the kids on the block except for the Browns...

They were boys.

Three Republicans walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."

The Republicans say, "That's OK... We don't serve you either."

Did you hear about Tempura House?
→ It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?
→ He put it on.