Most viewed jokes

Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb?
→ A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

- What's the matter? - the bartender asks.

- My wife and I got into a fight - explained the guy - and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while.

- But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? - asked the bartender.

- Yeah, except today is the last night.

What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg?
→ Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief.

- Ma'am, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? - he said.

- Yes, sir, they're all mine. - my mother said with a sigh.

The customs agent began his interrogation:

- Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?

- Sir, if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now. - she calmly answered.

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked:

- If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?

Quickly he replied:

- If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 apples.

- Dad, do you like baked apples?

- Yes son, why?

- The orchard's on fire.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said:

- Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?

- That doesn't prove anything - the woman countered.

- Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
→ So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.