Most viewed jokes

Why does a vampire clean his teeth three times a day?
→ To prevent bat breath.

Why did the piglets do badly in school?
→ They were all slow loiners.

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks:

- Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?

- Of course, Son, we're a family.

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey - this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!

- Mother: Did you make your bed today?

- Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

- Why, of course - comes the reply.

The first man then asks:

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying:

- You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin - comes the reply.

- I can't believe it - says the first man.

- I'm from Dublin too.

- Let's have another drink to Dublin.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

- What school did you go to?

- St Mary's - replies the second man.

- I graduated in 1962.

- This is unbelievable - the first man says.

- I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

- What's been going on? - he asks the barman.

- Nothing much - replies the barman.

- The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
→ Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside?
→ A banana dressed up as a cucumber!

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
→ It can look round.

What's the difference between greeting royalty and greeting President Clinton?
→ You only go down on one knee to greet royalty!

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is...

When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.