Science — most commented jokes

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

How do I know anything really exists?
→ Kick it really hard.

Did you here about the new atomic cocktail?
→ one sip & you go out with a poof :0)

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
• The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
• Lime is a green-tasting rock.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
• Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
• The wind is like the air, only pushier.

• 40: Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35: Italian cars don't start.
• 32: Water freezes.
• 30: You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.
• 25: Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
• 20: Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.
• 15: N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
• 12: You plan a vacation to Mexico.
• 10: Too cold to snow
• 5: You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 3: You plan a vacation in Houston.
• 0: Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.
• -5: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
• -10: Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
• -15: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -20: You plan a 2-week hot bath.
• -25: The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.
• -30: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
• Below -30: The kids call home from college.

End of the world...

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: a woman.

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features. */
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon. */
struct genitals {
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth. * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"