Science — most commented jokes

The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11 Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9 Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9 Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13 A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14 When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.

Contact is made:

- Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.

- Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

- Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.

- That's right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

- Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

- OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

- Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

- That's right, Pig 2. Over and out.

An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

- Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?

- Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.

- Kiki, do you remember your instructions?

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, think about it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles by now?

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
→ We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

- Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

- Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

- Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

- Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

- Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

- Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

- Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

- Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

- Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

- Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

- Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

- Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

1. Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2. Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3. After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.