Religion — most commented jokes

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:

- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'

She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said:

- That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.

So he trys to regain his composure, backs up and starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.

So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!

He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered:

- It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking:

- Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?

The soprano answers:

- Three.

- Three times, fellows! - says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

- Ow! What was that for? - asks the soprano.

Pete explains:

- Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth.

- Oh - says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door.

- Oh my goodness, what is that? - asks the soprano, horrified.

- Oh - says Pete.

- that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:

- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

- Wow! - the guy says.

- I never imagined heaven would be this good.

The man in the robe says:

- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says:

- I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max replies:

- Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing 'Sheherezade,' your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe says:

- So what's the bad news?

Max replies:

- Well, you're booked to play the solo!

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

Why are mosquitos religious?
→ They prey on you!

What is the most religious insect?
→ A mosque-ito!

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.

"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

What did God say after he created man?
→ I can do better than this!