Religion — most commented jokes

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

- STOP! Acts 2:38! ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:

- Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

- Scripture? - replied the burglar.

- She said she had an axe and two 38's!

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.

- Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

A few moments later a second man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.

- Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.

A few moments later a third man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a Military Policeman, Sir.

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says:

- So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!

Pointing to the sky, he continues:

- God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.

The priest replies:

- I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims:

- And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks:

- Aren't you having any, Rabbi?

The rabbi replies:

- Nah... I think I'll wait for the police.

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly:

- I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?

- Of course - the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively --

- Don't touch me! - he cried.

- I'm on a disability pension.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.

- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.

- No thanks - said the young man.

- My father wouldn't like it.

- Don't be silly - the minister said.

- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:

- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

- Well - replied the young farmer - he's under the load of hay.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man:

- Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied:

- Naw, these are soybeans.

- You don't understand - said the preacher.

- Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said:

- Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer:

- Are you lost?

- Naw! I've lived here all my life - answered the farmer.

- Are you prepared for the resurrection? - the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked:

- When's it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied:

- It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked:

- Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.

Little Willie asked his mother:

- Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?

- Of course they do! - protested his mother.

- What makes you ask?

- There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards.

- Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave.

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says:

- I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.

The accountant is perplexed.

- I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome - he tells St. Peter.

- It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young - says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies:

- 123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40.

St. Peter replies:

- But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!