Religion — most commented jokes

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks:

- How do these represent Christmas?

- They're Carol's.

The First Parent by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:

- Don't.

- Don't what? - Adam replied.

- Don't eat the forbidden fruit.

- Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?

- It's over there - said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.

- Uh huh - Adam replied.

- Then why did you?

- I dunno - Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:

- Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:

- No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:

- Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

- It's free, - Peter replied.

- this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked:

- what are the green fees?

Peter's reply:

- This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

- How much to eat? - asked the old man.

- Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! - Peter replied with some exasperation.

- Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? - the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured:

- That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said:

- This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

- Do you believe in life after death? - the boss asked one of his employees.

- Yes, Sir. - the new recruit replied.

- Well, then, that makes everything just fine - the boss went on.

- After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?